This is a hilarious email that I received from a friend.
Wisdom From A Friend:
As we approach the beginning of another month -- I want to thank all of
you
for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up
now
and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a bathroom door
without
using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice
water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I cannot use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has
happened on it since it was last washed...hmmmm.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a
public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every
envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown)
who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their
special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out
for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of
ice
with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water
buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if
I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within
five
minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove
toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so
a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these
products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven
different types of cancer.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it
bites my
butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Penny dropped in
the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a $ex molester
waiting
to grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports
Al
Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American
dictators.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least" 144,000 people in the next
70
minutes", a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your
back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .
If you do not forward this bad luck will follow you for the rest of
your
life ;-)
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail
with their
hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told
by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the
toilet.
